Your beliefs are not facts

This is all about the beliefs that we carry around with us, all about who we are, what we are, what we are capable and not capable of. And how coaching conversations can help challenging the less helpful ones.

Beliefs formed from early years can become rules that we live our lives by.

Maybe a parent or carer saying “you’re not very confident are you”, and here you are at 35 or 55 believing you’re not ever going to be confident as that’s how you were born.

Or ”You’re not creative” – so you never think of yourself as creative even though this means so many  different things – and yes, they might have got you wrong.

“You are clumsy! “- you always see yourself as clumsy, messy, inelegant.

“You’re glass half empty “ – this is how you are, never capable of seeing the positive in anything, poor me, life is hard, this is how I’m made.

“Asking for things is rude / impolite / desperate” – this can present all sorts of challenges from speaking up when you’re uncomfortable to asking for a pay rise.

“We don’t complain – always be grateful for everything, it’s not your right to be happy”

Any of those sound familiar?

They might not even have said anything

Just set some rules around behaviour – eg never speaking about concerns or worries (just get on with it), not congratulating you unless you’re top of the class (it’s the A* that’s important no matter how much effort you put in.

The thing is, probably none of these adults meant to give you a limiting belief or realised the impact of their words would be carried on to adulthood and inform some of your behaviour or decisions.  And not every child they said these things to, interpreted it in the same way. It is astonishing how impactful the words of others are, especially in childhood when we are little sponges generally wanting to fit in or please.

It does also bring home the power of words and the impact they have as well as the importance of realising how each person takes in words differently. 

Similarly, with peers at school

All the messages we pick up – you don’t fit in unless you’re sporty, fashionable, pretty, strong, fast etc. A throwaway comment can shape us for life (or until we realise and question it)

You’re unpopular

You’re not talented, can’t do sport / exercise

These can become rules that govern your life, the beliefs that we adopt as our own.

The brilliant thing about coaching

Is that we look at the now,  what’s working and what’s not, and ask if there are any aspects that are holding you back from being free-er, happier, more at ease, a better communicator, more able to achieve what you’d like. In fact it helps you work out what you want and be really honest about this. Yes, we sometimes look back at how some of your thoughts, beliefs, behaviours are informed by past years and early years even, and then set about changing the unhelpful ones and letting many of them go.

It’s pretty invigorating being able to find the real you and what you want, a bit like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis.  May sound a bit cliched, but that is often what it feels like.  You shed all the expectations of others, the belief systems that shaped you into something you didn’t feel comfortable in and that held you back. You can start to really celebrate who you are, with less of an inner critical voice telling you that you’e not good enough, can’t do that, shouldn’t think that etc. And if that inner voice is telling you “I have no right to celebrate who I am, more than anyone else!” then realise that could be a belief that you’re holding. Not right or wrong, just a belief. And it might be helpful to consider if it’s helpful. If it’s a step to far, think about finding ease, being comfortable in your skin.

There are often beliefs that we’re not even aware of but on some delving, through coaching conversations, we find that rules and reasons why we couldn’t do certain things, do exist within us and that they are simply beliefs and not facts. Once this has been realised, this can be enough to change our outlook. Sometimes, some tools or techniques are needed to alert us to our default so that we can change the belief.

Here’s an example 

Don’t be arrogant or big headed

 Ellie (not her real name) started working with me as she had received feedback from her team that she was not vocal in team meetings and had difficulty making decisions, which was holding things back. She was good at her job and senior management saw her as talented and someone with potential, and they had suggested coaching might help to develop these areas. She knew she needed to be more assertive and be heard and seen, but when in meetings, she would think of something to say only to tell herself no-one wanted to hear it.

Very soon in our first conversation, she shared that “empty vessels make the most noise” and that you shouldn’t speak unless you’ve got something really useful to say. This had come from a teacher at her primary school who liked silence and punished noisy children. When we’re small, we take a statement like that at face value, and she had carried it with her all her life as a measure of whether she should speak or not. If what she said was not 100% correct and useful, she would stop herself. Even if it was 100% correct and useful, by the time she spoke, her inner filter had slowed the process down so it was too late to say it as the conversation had moved on or someone had already come up with an idea.

We agreed that she would challenge herself to say the first thing that came to mind whenever she was speaking to others (as long as it was relevant and polite!).  This was not easy and she found it very hard to quieten the inner critic telling her not to speak. With practice, she got used to it and realised that nothing bad happened when she spoke, indeed people listened and appreciated her views.

Our work wasn’t completely done as she still held a belief that what she shared had to be 100% correct and that it reflected badly on her if she was wrong. This belief can make it hard to take a situation where you’re corrected or someone disagrees and so that feeling of rejection makes interactions difficult and can lead to rumination – worrying and dissecting the conversation for a time afterwards.

Decision making

Unpicking this belief, she came to adopt a mindset that there is no such thing as right and wrong when it came to generating ideas and that sometimes, the most unusual, left field ideas led to the best outcomes.  Even if her idea was not taken on, she knew that if everyone contributed, they’d gel better as a team and would create a better dynamic.

Again, this took some time to get used to, as she had had a lifetime of believing that it was wrong. She actually said it helped with her confidence, knowing that just speaking was good and worrying about the rest of it took away any enjoyment. As she grew in confidence speaking at meetings and contributing her thoughts, she saw that decision making became easier.  She realised that her lack of confidence and constant questioning of herself and opinions has made decisions virtually impossible. 

You’re showing off!

How many people were told this when they were younger? It might have been as a result of getting over excited and singing or dancing, or doing something to get attention.  Or it might be that you boasted about something you were good at, a good grade you got, or that you could run faster or do something better than someone else. Showing off is something many of us are scared of being accused of and so make sure we play down any skills or talents or knowledge that we have. Even if it’s hard earned and means we get ignored or over looked in the workplace.

It’s important to realise that showing off and keeping quiet are not the only options, but many of us behave as if they were.  Think of showing off / being arrogant as one end of the spectrum and being super humble, never telling anyone anything at the other end. There’s so many options in the middle, aren’t there? It is possible to confidently speak of one’s achievements in an honest way and not come across as arrogant or showy. And if those around you care about you and want you to be happy, then they will support and applaud you. In the same way you would  them.

Being self depreciating at all times can seriously go against you.

People believe what they see and hear, and if you tell people you’re not very good at something, that is all they have to go on. There is rarely time to dig deeper and find out if you’re telling the truth or being humble! People simply search for the path of least resistance and if they’re looking for someone who’s good at X, then it’s likely the person who tells people they’re good at X who will be noticed, whether it’s true or not. Waiting to be discovered through hard work and keeping your head down can work, of course, but it can take a whole lot longer and is a whole lot more frustrating.

It’s not just about being noticed at work. It can stop you from sharing your true self with others. If you hold back a large part of you, the successful bit, which has had some challenges but overcame them, then others can find it difficult to get to know you. You may be thinking, ah but no-one likes a big head, do they! (And I have been programmed like this too), but if you like someone and care about them as a friend or colleague, and they share a success with you, wouldn’t you be please for them and think it sad if they felt they couldn’t share for fear of judgment or being seen as big headed or showing off? Again, there are many nuanced aspects of sharing our successes.  Telling people incessantly and not being interested in others’ stories is rarely advisable, yes there has to be a balance. There has to be give and take and humility.

I’m not decisive / confident / assertive / a leader etc

I hear this a lot. Again, these statements come as a result of beliefs that have been long held.  So entrenched that they’ve become character traits. And I challenge them. So often, if asked “and if you were decisive / confident / assertive / a leader ?” , there is often a clear idea or response and a lightbulb goes on where the person realises that they can be all those things, if they want (and are prepared to put in some work). It can be pretty exciting realising that these beliefs can be thrown out and that we have choices around how we want to be. That’s why coaching is so useful.  It’s an opportunity to take a moment to ask “Is this really me? Or can I change?, what aspects of my thinking are useful, which are less useful and what can I do about this?”

As you’re listening to this, you may find some of it that resonates, or you may be thinking of other beliefs that you have that are not useful and that are holding you back. Take a moment to consider them. Take a good look. Ask yourself ‘now where did that come from?’. Don’t attach any blame to it as this is about you, now. As yourself, what would I like to do with this? Can I correct it? Can I challenge it? Can I let it go?

Or do I need some time to sit with it and think about it before deciding what to do?

You’ve taken the first step by realising you’re carrying this unhelpful belief around with you.  What are your options now?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and whether any of this resonates – get in touch if it does. catrinmac@gmail.com.