Not sleeping well?
What keeps you awake at night?
Things you haven’t done?
Things you’re dreading?
Running through stuff you said to someone and how you might have upset them (but in the light of day, there’s little or no evidence of this)
Thinking about a presentation you haven’t prepared for (even though it’s in a month’s time)
Something you did or didn’t do ten years ago
That you’re a rubbish friend / partner / parent
The range is broad from very inconsequential to more serious worries but in the middle of the night, in the darkness, they are all as important and doom filled and you feel so awake you then start worrying about the fact you’re not getting enough sleep.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t experience this illogical and exaggerated way of thinking during their nights. For some it happens a lot, for others less frequently. But it happens to us all. And it comes up in coaching a lot.
It’s normal to have these thoughts. And it’s recognised that our rationality / ability to reason, have a healthy perspective is seriously diminished once our head hits the pillow.
Why is this?
I’ve been reading around to try and find some information on why night worries seem so much bigger and out of proportion to day time worries. Many articles point to the fact that at night, we have no distraction, so thoughts become augmented. During the day, there’s lots going on, from checking our phone to distract to meetings, the shopping, interactions with people etc. At night it’s almost as if a spotlight is switched on to highlight any and all problems. During the day we have some perspective and we’re less tired (although apparently there are times during the day when we’re more prone to these anxious thoughts). In the evening, we’re more tired and have less ability to think clearly and constructively. Our lack of energy means we face dilemmas and problems with a different approach, one framed with an attitude of passivity and little feeling of control. Which resonates for me.
Techniques to minimise the drama within.
Occasional night worries are ok and have little impact. Frequent interrupted nights can have a big impact. It can bring on a feeling of dread about going to bed, which means we sleep badly and feel tired during the day. At its extreme, this can impact health, relationships, work. It can increase anxiety and worries. Nobody wants to experience that. If you are experiencing some of the more extreme symptoms, it’s worth discussing with a doctor.
Otherwise, it can be helpful to try out some of the following. Remember, change rarely takes place immediately (sorry!) but with a consistent approach to thinking and trying some of these, you could start seeing some benefits.
It’s normal
Firstly, recognise it’s normal. You’re not alone. Accepting this happens and that if you miss some sleep you WILL be ok tomorrow. This is admittedly not so helpful if it happens every night but if you can break the negative thinking patterns, you might notice some difference.
Some things to try out if you wake up at night
Practical – notepad, write it down. Sometimes our fear is that we’ll forget to do something and having that comfort that it’s written down and ready to do something about in the morning is an effective way of calming the mind. Within reason – you don’t want to be writing never ending to do lists and uncovering more ‘to do’s’.
Some sleep experts suggest you take time at the end of the day’s work or before going to bed to write a journal, considering what went well, what you need to remember, what challenges there may be tomorrow and writing a brief plan on what you will do. They say this puts a lot of the worries out of our mind as we’ve already considered them and our brain knows it won’t be forgotten when we go to bed. With technology and working from home, there is less of a line between work and home life and work can seep into our sleep. Creating a clear boundary by writing your thoughts in a journal can help with this.
Before bed, ask yourself, is there something on my mind that might create worry or stress? Working through this can be helpful, especially if you can write it down. Tell yourself ‘I’ll come to this tomorrow’.
It seems like common sense, but working or staring at screens up until bed time is not going to help. Your mind will be buzzing and the thoughts haven’t been processed. Set yourself some rules around when to set the phone / laptop aside.
Preparation is key
According to the many articles I’ve read, the preparation before bedtime is important. Addressing those negative thoughts or worries, setting aside time to plan a response, closing down the ‘to do’ list. Doom scrolling on your phone or watching disturbing news can also take its toll. Makes sense, but so many of us are in the loop of always having the phone in hand.
What you do during the day can also affect your sleep. Having fresh air, exercise, not eating too close to bed time, drinking alcohol – most of us are aware of these, but how many of us intentionally act on them?
Once in bed, If the worries continue, it’s suggested you get out of bed and go and read in low light until you feel sleepy. This is because it’s important to avoid associating your bed and sleep with bad thoughts and worries as bedtime becomes a time of dread instead of rest and relaxation.
If night time worry is really affecting you, it’s worth considering hypnotherapy for relaxation and to reframe some of those thoughts.
There is no magic wand. But doing something differently today will make some difference. And if you can do that again tomorrow, you can start seeing if you notice any changes. Keep chipping away with new habits and see where it takes you.
In my coaching conversations, the subject of ‘what keeps me awake at night’ comes up often. Often, they say that merely voicing out loud the concern can already start making sense of it. Remember, you’re not alone. And there are things you can do.
Let me know how you get on.
